Are You Really Falling in Love?

When you fall madly in love, it’s pretty hard to focus on anything else. In fact, one study found that people in love spend 85% of their waking hours musing about their partners. But it’s not just about swooning over your person, says psychologist Helen Fisher. She argues that we can use a scientific lens to examine some of the characteristics of love, and that there are certain signs you’re actually falling in love—not just lusting over your partner.

People who are in the throes of love tend to be “more flexible and willing to do more things” for their significant other, according to a 2017 article published in the journal Motivation and Emotion. They may also find new joy in everyday activities they once found tedious or mundane. “It’s a very active type of love,” Fisher explains. It’s often “abnormal,” but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going through a “love addiction.” However, she warns that drawing parallels between romantic love and substance abuse can be dangerous, as it downplays the seriousness of such behaviors.

The more you spend time with your person, the more you “get to know” them and the better you understand their values and strengths. This lays the foundation for an intimate, connected and bonded relationship, and is often a key component of loving someone.

Intimacy is a core component of love, along with passion and commitment, but what defines these feelings varies by individual and culture. For example, in individualistic cultures like the United States and many Western nations, love can be based on personal choices and open emotional sharing. In contrast, in collectivist cultures, love is centered on family and community, and can be more influenced by mutual obligations and traditions.

One of the best indicators that you’re in the throes of love is that your partner takes up major real estate in your thoughts—whether it’s thinking about past conversations, imagining future dates or staring at their photos on your phone. Kang, for example, recalls rereading her husband’s text messages and viewing his photos at work during the early stages of their relationship.

Your person’s interests and passions become your own, and you start to see yourself through their eyes. This can lead to a sense of self-expansion and the feeling that you’re a “better version of yourself” because of your relationship, explains Theresa E. DiDonato, a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland. She explains that this feeling is typically a result of the flow of “feel good chemicals,” such as dopamine and norepinephrine, released when you spend time with the person you’re in love with.

You also notice that you’re ignoring other attractive people—that is, you don’t have the same itch to swipe right on dating apps or DM’ing other potential partners. This is another sign you’re in the throes, as well as a strong indication that your partner has your attention.