What Makes You Fall in Love? The Brain Activity Related to That Experience Revealed

If you can’t stop thinking about someone and daydreaming about them, you might be falling in love. But what exactly is that feeling? Researchers have made a lot of progress in understanding what’s involved when you fall in love. And they’ve found that the brain activity related to that experience looks different than that tied to friendship or lust.

However, just knowing that the butterflies in your stomach, the racing heart and the sweaty palms are a result of the release of dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin isn’t enough to say that you’re in love. “Love is not simply a chemistry or an emotion, but a way of being in the world,” says Shai Held, rabbi and author of Judaism is About Love and president of the Hadar Institute. “As such, it requires a certain kind of existential posture in relationship to self and others.”

One aspect of that posture is an emphasis on empathy, respect and vulnerability. Another is the willingness to see the other person for who they are and to give them space to be themselves. The latter is key, because it allows you to celebrate the uniqueness of your partner. It’s also essential to keeping love healthy.

For example, loving someone with a tendency to take things personally can lead to bitterness and resentment. And loving someone who’s very insecure can be a recipe for disaster, because it may be easy to fall into narcissistic behavior and neglect your own needs.

Moreover, research shows that people in long-term, stable relationships experience a sense of contentment and fulfillment. And that happiness can be enhanced by having close, supportive friends and family members, a spiritual practice, financial security and a purpose in life.

But the most important ingredient might be love. Several studies have shown that the hormone oxytocin—better known as the “cuddle” hormone—is associated with more mature, committed relationships and helps to cement pairings. And the brain’s reward centers are activated when you think about and gaze at a loved one, whether they’re across the room or miles away.

In addition, researchers have found that a combination of three events—shared positive emotions, biobehavioral synchrony and mutual care—are the hallmarks of true love. This combination of factors is reflected in the experiences of those who have fallen in and out of love, and what’s most likely to sustain a relationship.

It’s hard to pin down exactly what love is, but the progress being made in this area may eventually help us do so. In the meantime, we can continue to cherish and celebrate those we love, while fostering the qualities that make it possible: