What Is Love?

Love is a deep and powerful emotion that comes in many forms, from the bond with family to camaraderie with friends to the butterflies of romantic feelings. It enriches our lives, provides support during tough times and needs to be nurtured to flourish.

But what exactly is love? Is it just a set of feelings caused by chemical reactions in the brain? If that’s the case, then we would have about as much control over falling in love as we do over accidentally stepping into a sinkhole.

If we understand love as a choice, however, then it’s something that can be nurtured and cultivated with intentionality. It’s based on mutual respect, vulnerability, honesty and perhaps most importantly of all, celebrating a person for who they are rather than who we think they should be.

For example, people who value connection often feel most loved by spending quality time together—like picnics, coffee dates or workouts. They also tend to appreciate thoughtful gifts, like handwritten notes or back rubs. For some, it’s even a form of love to leave a favorite book on their bedside table or bring them a cup of tea when they’re feeling under the weather.

Then there’s compassion and mercy, which is another way to love—and it’s what motivates the Christian faith to see others succeed, as outlined by Thomas Aquinas. These feelings are driven by the brain’s hypothalamus, causing us to want to see good things happen to those we care about.

There’s even a scientific basis for this love: Researchers have found that the ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens of the brain become activated during the throes of lust and romance, as well as when we hear and see attractive faces. But that’s just a tiny slice of what love really encompasses.

According to psychologist John Lee, there are three “primary” styles of love: Eros, or erotic love; Ludus, or playful love, akin to friendships; and Storge, or familial love, such as a parent’s love for their child. Then, he says, there are “secondary” styles of love such as philia, which is platonic; eudaemia, or self-love; and agape, which is the highest form of spiritual love and a desire to help others.

But he cautions that not all love is healthy. Unhealthy love can lead to addiction, anxiety and depression, as well as a range of physical problems, such as high blood pressure, heart disease and stroke. Unhealthy love may also interfere with your ability to focus and make decisions.

Whether it’s a relationship, job or hobby, you deserve to be treated with the respect you believe you deserve. And that’s true of every person on this planet—even if we don’t always feel worthy of it ourselves.

We all need love to thrive, and the best kind of love is one that’s not taken for granted. So if you’re in a situation where you’re not feeling the love, be curious about what that means for you and your life. Take the opportunity to learn how to better communicate your feelings and find ways to grow in a loving direction.